This is Of Common Clay, a love-letter-like documentation in pursuit of grounding myself to the common clay we walk on and are made of.
I’m sat in the State Library of New South Wales this quiet winter afternoon, white noise and hushed chatter pressed against my eardrums. (Wait, a lady’s just dropped a teacup.) The universe has hauled me at cyclonic velocities these past few months, and I’d forgotten to appreciate the slowness of sun dips and the vapor that forms when I exhale exaggeratedly.
Stillness is not to be confused with stagnation, though it’s a luxury I haven’t been able to afford since coming out of lockdown with the firm desire to throw out roots and physically plant myself to this country. People to meet, culture to absorb, hours in a day to stretch thin. Nearly two years in, change after change, and it’s now only beginning to make sense.
Many things are novel—I’m freshly pierced at the helix, I’ve remarried this technological religion I call my heater, and I’m starting the final term of my first year of university. Many things are also crawling back, particularly the warmth that weaves through my chest as I navigate through relearning contentment. My loaded conscience has given way to absent stares at the wooden trellises along Darling Square, flip-throughs of Chai Time at Cinnamon Gardens on Dymocks’ chipped leather seats, and half-drunken gasps at the selection of ready-made meals at a Woolies Metro.
The confidence to throw myself into or back away from certain situations had usually been thwarted by comparison and a lack of security, but when these began to wear away, everything shifted. Progress hasn’t been linear, but I’d like to recognise that shift. I feel more secure, and I remind myself to take it one day at a time. I owe it to myself and the people who’ve pushed me in this direction.
It’s poetic, almost. I don’t mind the occasional reminder that I’ve stumbled through many mistakes and nights spent turning my brain inside out over what I could have done better because, despite it all, I’m still here. I read an article this morning about how all the decisions you make, the anxiety you’re ridden with, and the capacity you have to put forward genuine care into this world are fundamentally tied to a foundational sense of safety. I resonated with it, and you might too. Give it a read, it’s eye-opening. [safety | ava from bookbear express].
Introspection aside, when you realise that there’s so much out there beyond yourself and there are so many ways to unravel this intricately tangled knot you call life, you’re able to discern that not every little misstep and micromanaged detail is tantamount to total failure.
Thank you for listening to my ramblings and realisations. This is a short one, but I hope that at least a fraction of them brings you comfort.
With all my love,
Kristen <3